Report: Nation's youth too fat, dumb to be given gun, told to kill

Smokin Chicken

Image by nukeit1 via Flickr

In what reads more like some Mike Judge-inspired satire than real news, it appears that America’s appetite for endless war is surpassed only by its appetite for endless bacon. 

 A new military study shows that America’s youth, like the common hippopotamus, are too fat to kill: 

“The latest Army statistics show a stunning 75 percent of military-age youth are ineligible to join the military because they are overweight, can’t pass entrance exams, have dropped out of high school or had run-ins with the law.”

Just like the deformed chickens we breed to be too fat to support themselves under their own power, so too are we breeding our children to be so top-heavy and stupid that an organization who accepts felons and the mentally handicapped for the purpose of pointing a gun and pulling a trigger is saying: we’ll pass.

Now, before we go any further, let me be perfectly clear: this nation treats the majority of its children like shit, so when they grow up to be barely functioning members of society it is not the kids–ie, the victims–we should blame. 

A recently released report shows that half of the country’s children–and 90% of black children–will depend on food stamps at some point in their life.  You know, food stamps, those things that are so great for buying fresh fruits and vegetables with.  Why, off the top of my head I can think of about a million farmers’ markets that accept food stamps.  And if you’re too busy to do that, it’s not like every single fucking thing at the corner store is processed garbage, bursting at the seams with high-fructose corn syrup. 

But why blame Big Agriculture and their insane more-corn-at-all-costs incentives when we can just blame the kids?  Why don’t they just exercise?  Well, as Bill Moyers highlighted recently, many of the poorest kids in America don’t even have a playground in their neighborhood.  So, I guess they could do jumping jacks in their bathroom or something.  The parallels between the way we treat the most under-priveledged members of society and the way we treat caged, mutant birds bred for immediate slaughter are too obvious to need much explanation.  Swift was not modest enough, it seems.

 As for the kids who can’t pass an Army entrance exam or who turn to crime, well, Bush’s No Child Left Behind highlighted this country’s distain for public education, and Clinton’s passage of NAFTA ensured that there wouldn’t be any blue-collar jobs waiting for all those kids we don’t educate.  Sprinkle on some of the anti-union sentiment that Reagan–who remains, without question, the movie star who has had the worst influence on today’s children–made acceptable and you have a population unfit for duty. 

We are fattening our children for the slaughter, though it seems the slaughter in this case may come in the form of diabetes.  It’s a cruel irony that the very corporations on whose behalf America wages endless war are the same corporations making the American citizens incapable of engaging in that violence.  If the success of the peace movement comes at the failure to provide for the worst off among us, that victory will be bittersweet indeed.  


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7 Responses to Report: Nation's youth too fat, dumb to be given gun, told to kill

  1. bklynchica says:

    This is sort of genius.


  2. lilbirdblue says:

    “this nation treats the majority of its children like shit”

    the above statement is so true.

    people have kids and they immediately go into the system…daycare. And it’s down hill from there.

    I mean, when parents are leaving their kids in the car to die from the heat!!!! WTF?!?!?

    But what’s the solution that people will be on board with?


    a mom of 2 who works at home so her kids don’t get the shit end of the stick 🙂

    • John Knefel says:

      It’s true that there are people who leave their kids in the cars, which is tragic, there’s really not much to be done about that. It’s the institutions that have to be completely rethought.

      Your kids are lucky. Keep them away from the shit end of the stick for as long as possible. I live in NYC, and most kids here don’t even know their parents. They’re raised by nannies. Again, there’s the legacy of Reagan–the unending workday/week–rearing its ugly head.

  3. bklynchica says:

    These comments remind that summers off of school is an antiquated system designed to go hand in hand with the farming season. Children worked on farms…that’s what they were conceived for! Now, it’s a great way to fall behind in every major school subject, especially math. Obama has spoken about lengthening the school year for these very reasons. We’ll see what happens.

  4. evanburgart says:

    This further illustrates the lack of emphasis on preventative medicine in this country. Perhaps health care could be better-managed if more effort was given to prevent conditions like Type II DM in kids.

    Also, any chance T/S has a mobile site?

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