In what reads more like some Mike Judge-inspired satire than real news, it appears that America’s appetite for endless war is surpassed only by its appetite for endless bacon.
A new military study shows that America’s youth, like the common hippopotamus, are too fat to kill:
“The latest Army statistics show a stunning 75 percent of military-age youth are ineligible to join the military because they are overweight, can’t pass entrance exams, have dropped out of high school or had run-ins with the law.”
Just like the deformed chickens we breed to be too fat to support themselves under their own power, so too are we breeding our children to be so top-heavy and stupid that an organization who accepts felons and the mentally handicapped for the purpose of pointing a gun and pulling a trigger is saying: we’ll pass.
Now, before we go any further, let me be perfectly clear: this nation treats the majority of its children like shit, so when they grow up to be barely functioning members of society it is not the kids–ie, the victims–we should blame.
A recently released report shows that half of the country’s children–and 90% of black children–will depend on food stamps at some point in their life. You know, food stamps, those things that are so great for buying fresh fruits and vegetables with. Why, off the top of my head I can think of about a million farmers’ markets that accept food stamps. And if you’re too busy to do that, it’s not like every single fucking thing at the corner store is processed garbage, bursting at the seams with high-fructose corn syrup.
But why blame Big Agriculture and their insane more-corn-at-all-costs incentives when we can just blame the kids? Why don’t they just exercise? Well, as Bill Moyers highlighted recently, many of the poorest kids in America don’t even have a playground in their neighborhood. So, I guess they could do jumping jacks in their bathroom or something. The parallels between the way we treat the most under-priveledged members of society and the way we treat caged, mutant birds bred for immediate slaughter are too obvious to need much explanation. Swift was not modest enough, it seems.
As for the kids who can’t pass an Army entrance exam or who turn to crime, well, Bush’s No Child Left Behind highlighted this country’s distain for public education, and Clinton’s passage of NAFTA ensured that there wouldn’t be any blue-collar jobs waiting for all those kids we don’t educate. Sprinkle on some of the anti-union sentiment that Reagan–who remains, without question, the movie star who has had the worst influence on today’s children–made acceptable and you have a population unfit for duty.
We are fattening our children for the slaughter, though it seems the slaughter in this case may come in the form of diabetes. It’s a cruel irony that the very corporations on whose behalf America wages endless war are the same corporations making the American citizens incapable of engaging in that violence. If the success of the peace movement comes at the failure to provide for the worst off among us, that victory will be bittersweet indeed.