Oh, man, I finally thought I saw some good news when I saw this CNN headline:
“Right now?” I thought. “And a reporter’s there watching it happen? Nice.”
Sadly, the brutality I imagined one of the Gang of a Hundred Assholes experiencing proved to be metaphorical, not literal. The quote comes from Vice President and wordsmith Joe Biden, a man whose success in politics is due entirely to the fact that he always lightens the mood by saying something inappropriate at just the right (wrong) time. Biden’s latest stand up routine was given at fundraiser for Chris Dodd, who is facing a tough reelection race next year. CNN reports:
“Joe Biden praised Sen. Chris Dodd Friday, but conceded his good friend – one of the Senate’s most vulnerable Democrats – is “getting the living hell beat of him.””
“Chris is getting the living hell beat out of him, the living bejesus beat out of him,” said Biden.
Ha! This is trademark Biden: try to make the situation better, but end up making it a whole lot worse. What makes this even funnier is that one of Dodd’s opponent is Linda McMahon, the co-founder of World Wrestling Entertainment whose sole qualification for politics is her ability to raise money and get grown men to act like children, one of the many attributes the WWE and the Senate share.
Biden then continued:
“I mean, Chris is bloodied up. The man has been beaten with every tool imaginable, from folding chairs to ladders. He is looking bad! Why, the last time I saw him he was staring down the business end of a piledriver, and business was booming. And don’t get me wrong. Chris can take a punch. In fact, he and I have given each other more concussions than I care to remember, and the man is my best friend. Seriously, he is a masochistic sociopath who actually enjoys seeing his own blood. But no man should be asked to take the vicious pummeling that Chris has endured. That’s actually why he’s not here tonight. He’s out in the parking lot being beaten senseless by some Republican staffers. The last report I heard said they were mostly focusing on his kidneys, which is too bad, because that’s one of Chris’ real weak spots.
Oops. Guess I shouldn’t have said that last part. Kind of giving away his weaknesses. But, honestly, the man is within an inch of his life, so, really, his entire body right now is his weak spot. If you’ve got kids, don’t let them look upon his mangled visage. It’s a horrifying sight. The nightmares I face on a daily basis after seeing what that brave, incapacitated man has suffered would have crippled a mere mortal. Luckily, I’m Joe Biden.
But Chris, we’re all rooting for you, and we know you’ll pop up off the mat at the last second for some kind of sneaky double-cross move that only you could think of. Maybe I shouldn’t have said that either. Oh well. Hey, is this a microphone or a carrot stick? I guess I’ll try to eat it.
Oops. Well, it’s certainly not a carrot stick. I think my work here is done. Biden out!”
Reports say that Biden then drank a quart of rum and fell asleep onstage.