[If you got here from Google, I hope you have a sense of humor]
I’m sitting at my sister Molly‘s house with her and her boyfriend Joe, about to watch this so-called State of some Union or whatever. At some point, I may have to take a break and splash some water on my face, a la Minnesota Fats in The Hustler. If/when that happens, Molly will take over. Programming will not be disrupted.
Expect a lot of unnecessary swearing, and typos, and hopefully things that will someday come back to haunt me. Drinking game is here, pre-SOTU updates are here. OK, here we go. Let’s see what happens.
8:51 — These suits really don’t want to talk to each other. God, I’m glad I’m not there.
8:56 — Oh man, here comes Michelle! Lots of clapping, which is fine with me.
8:57 — Here’s the cabinet. It’s like a rap posse, but they don’t actually support their “leader.”
8:59 — So, Obama’s not going to be talking for a while. Feel free to have a small sip of beer.
9:02 — Joe Lieberman, to unlucky bastard sitting next to him, “So, I think that we need to reach around the aisle…” Guy next to him, “LORD KILL ME NOW! START TALKING OBAMA, I’M NEXT TO JOEY JOE JOE”
9:04 — Can we get Joe Buck to fill some of this dead CSPAN air time?
9:05 — The big man enters!
9:07 — I predict 15 more minutes of clapping for this awful president everybody hates.
9:09 — Look, can we talk about fighting for some fucking jobs yet, or what? Everybody have another drink. The Homeland becons you.
9:10 — Obama is leaving the podium! He’s sick of this country too!
9:11 — False alarm. He’s still here. Now, more clapping.
9:12 — So far I haven’t seen any Steve Austin 3:16 signs from the crazy locals. America’s BACK BABY.
9:12 — Our Constitution also call for providing everyone with due process and habeus corpus rights too.
9:12 — Obama just said we’re in the middle of a new Civil War?
9:13 — HE SAID DEPRESSION! Two shots!
9:14 — Blame that working hard, longer on Reagan. Please. It’s his fault. Say it. Reagan killed the unions, etc. SAY IT.
9:15 — Oh man, I hate the Wall St/Main St dichotomy. Mostly I hate Wall St.
9:16 — Americans have great spirit, and oh there, he said “hope.” Now clapping for hope, and spirit. 2nd ovation so far.
9:18 — “It begins with our economy.” So twist some fucking arms and get a goddamn public option passed.
9:18 — FUCK MAN OBAMA HATED THE BANK BAILOUT
9:19 — No more root canals in America.
9:20 — So much clapping. If clapping were “regulating banks,” DC would be not so awful. Okay, yes, let’s get hard on the banks. Where has this been for 12 months?
9:21 — YES. Talk about cutting taxes for 95% of us. Now we’re talking. Oh shit, Obama’s free styling! He’s just straight fuckin’ riffing! America loves him again!
9:22 — I was sort of hoping Obama would say, “some new jobs are for cops. Fuck cops.”
9:23 — When I say recovery, you say act! I feel a rebranding coming on. Lot’s of “Recovery Act” talk. This is new, yes?
9:25 — NEW JOBS BILL. Is this a 2nd stimulus? Or 2nd “Recovery Act”? Does Krugman heart Obama?
9:25 — Engine is America’s business. We get it, you’re not a Socialist. Oh, now he’s talking over some clapping.
9:26 — OK, THAT’S GOOD. Give community banks money to lend. More like this. I’m not going to like the fine print, though, I’m sure.
9:29 — WTF. Burress didn’t want to stand up.
9:30 — 25 minutes in, lot’s of good talk. Let’s not get ahead of ourselves, though.
9:30 — JOBS BILL NOW PLZ says Obama. Otherwise no juicebox for awful shitsack Joe Lieberman.
9:33 – Lobbyists are trying to kill people. Obama won’t sign some shitty bill.
9:35 — “Safe, clean nuclear power”? Hmmmmmm. Off shore drilling? Hmmmmmm. Clean fucking coal!? Give me a fucking break. No no no.
9:36 — Pelosi loved that Clean Air shout out.
9:37 — Ain’t no body outside America buying American. DOUBLE OUR EXPORTS IN 5 YEARS? Heh. Heh. Kay.
9:38 — National Special Export Initiative! I assume this means we’ll be selling more weapons to more countries.
9:40 — All I know about Obama’s education plan I learned from my friend “L,” who’s been a NYC public school teacher for 7 years, and she HATES Obama’s education stuff so far. So, more on this to come, after I talk to her again.
9:44 — HERE WE FUCKING GO. Let’s talk about health “insurance” (ok) reform. This is where things might get dicey. Yes, let’s clear things up.
9:44- Didn’t take it on for “win”? Tell that to Rahm the Knife. Do not believe.
9:45 — Remember that Obama allowed insurance companies and pharm companies access before any one else.
9:45 — “She gets embarrassed.” I have no problem with that. They should love each other.
9:47 — “Lobbying and horsetrading.” Was hoping for “lobbying and horseshit.”
9:48 — “Let me know. Let me know.” OK, call out the GOP for being an empty, obstructionist party. Go for the fucking throat.
9:49 — Health care talk is not as strong as the anti-bank stuff earlier. That is a very bad sign. And now we’re back to government spending. That is not at all enough time to spend on HCR.
9:50 — NOT PAYING FOR TWO WARS. YES. But! But! We still aren’t. And “defense” spending isn’t part of the freeze. “Just statin’ the facts.” I like that ok.
9:51 — Ok, here comes this freeze talk. PLEASE BIDEN SAY, “I’M COOL AS ICE.” SAY IT!
9:52 — Freeze veto threat subtext: I’ll keep you inside for as long as I have to. We don’t even need playtime at all.”
9:54 — Didn’t this bipartisan commission just get blocked in Congress? Oh, yes, he just said it. But we’re going back to it? Will anybody care after tonight? Congress will still be hostile, right?
9:54 — Freeze starts next year. HE’S TALKING TO YOU KRUGMAN. Also, don’t try to explain budgets to GOP. They haven’t paid for shit since Ike.
9:55 — Fucking nice! Say the GOP didn’t pay for shit for 8 years. Say it like it is, as much as the awful Democrats can.
9:57 — End the work of lobbyists? Not happening. But are we talking about the latest Supreme Court debacle now?
9:58 — OH YEAH, here we go. Let’s use that Supreme Court monstrosity to — OH MAN THE SCOTUS LOOKS PISSED.
10:00 — Oh lord, here comes this bipartisan talk.
10:01 — “Who can get the most embarrassing headlines” — he’s talking to you Drudge.
10:01 — Yes, you should give up on changing “the tone.” What that should mean is that you won’t pay idiotic lipservice to bipartisanism.
10:02 — Largest majority in 30 years. HEAR THAT HARRY REID?!
10:02 — “Just saying ‘no’ is not leadership.” That’s right, but neither is playing it safe by allowing lobbyists to get to the WH before anyone else.
10:03 — IT TOOK AN HOUR TO MENTION 9/11. Where’s the birth certificate!?!?!?!?!?!?!
10:05 — Obama: Let’s talk about the underwear bomber.
10:05 — Troops coming home? No, no they won’t be. Don’t talk to us about the Nobility of the Mission in Afghanistan.
10:06 — “Taking the fight to al Queda”? Don’t use that phrase.
10:06 — “All of our troops are coming home [from Iraq].” Believe it when I see it. Also, that fucking huge ass embassy isn’t going ANYWHERE.
10:08 — Ladies know what I’m talking about! Mrs. Obama and Biden just be out helpin’ troops and bein’ ladies.
10:10 — Hahahahaha, yeah, let’s try to find those nukes. That’s bipartisan, right? No? Cool. Oh shit, here comes the Iran stuff.
10:11 — Any Haiti talk — wait, Afghanistan? Iranian women? Dude from New Guinea? “America must stand on the side of dignity?” He should also say, “last week we decided to continue to detain 50 guys without charges or due process. Yes, my administration did that. I know, it’s bad. I’m a Constitutional lawyer, I know it’s not good. But, I’m doing it!”
10:13 — OH SHIT HERE’S THAT GAY STUFF! No more DADT! Yay! Wait, hasn’t Obama said that before? Yes? Hmmm.
10:14 — Values didn’t build America. Genocide and slavery did.
10:16 — Tear into TV pundits! They deserve it. But the problem is the companies who own them.
10:16 — Can Obama still deliver? He just asked. What does this year, not this night, tell us?
10:19 — Obama is channeling Conan. “Don’t pity me, I don’t have problems.” Believed Conan more.
10:20 — That Louisiana boy who sent his allowance is really not needed as a story. Come on. Who hears that and thinks, “that is true!”
10:20 — Obama doesn’t quit. Ok. Well, he kind of did the past 12 months. Thoughts on the speech to come either tonight or tomorrow morning. I hope you all got nice and drunk.
10:21 — Last thing. All in all, the rhetoric seemed to return to the Obama of old, which is certainly better than nothing. The main problem now is whether or not that rhetoric can still move asses. My guess is that it can’t, and rightly so. The first year in practice has been completely unrecognizable from the rhetoric, which renders the pretty speeches relatively meaningless. I don’t think I can bear the cable news catastrophe that will follow this, so this is probably it for me tonight.
OH MAN. Go back to the main page for the liveblog to the response. Hell.