Despite my headline, I actually think that this is kind of a cool development. The New York Times reported today that an Arizona school bus has been fitted with an Internet router, and now the kids act like people instead of feral wolverines.
Morning routines have been [calm] since the fall, when school officials mounted a mobile Internet router to bus No. 92’s sheet-metal frame, enabling students to surf the Web. The students call it the Internet Bus, and what began as a high-tech experiment has had an old-fashioned — and unexpected — result. Wi-Fi access has transformed what was often a boisterous bus ride into a rolling study hall, and behavioral problems have virtually disappeared.
So, you’re saying that if you give kids an outlet for their energy they stop acting like a bunch of caged dogs? What about all that stock I just bought in Pfizer?
The unfortunately-named bus driver is understandably elated at this development.
“It’s made a big difference,” said J. J. Johnson, the bus’s driver. “Boys aren’t hitting each other, girls are busy, and there’s not so much jumping around.”
Mr. Johnson continued, “I mean, seriously, I was this close [holds fingers an inch apart] to just driving to the middle of the desert and making these kids fight each other to the death. Do you know what hell is? I’ll tell you. It’s driving around a bunch of lunatic fucking kids for hours a day in a four-wheeled prison!
“You gotta remember, also, my last name is Johnson. Johnson. As in: Dick. Penis. Cock. Cock and Balls. Shaft. That’s what my last name means. Do you understand that? Do you understand what these monsters call me? Big Johnson. Small Johnson. J. J. Johnson the Johnson. Johnson the Bus Driving Cock and Balls. I’VE HEARD IT ALL. 99 Johnsons and Balls on the Wall. What does that even mean!? NOTHING! But these kids don’t care. They were literally rabid animals who needed to be beaten within an inch of their life before they caused me any more irreparable damage. Some nights I would wake up screaming, ‘Sweet lord, release me from this yellow hell you’ve exiled me to!’
“Then, they put in this Wifi jobber, and the kids have been good since then.”
And that’s the story of how the Internet saved a bus full of students from future-murderer J.J. Johnson the Cock and Balls bus driver.