Some of you out there think Washington Insiders are out-of-touch oligarchs who couldn’t wipe their own ass without a congressional staffer and probably an intern to jot down the minutes. Well, in the case of Ben Nelson, you may be on to something. Nelson claimed that he has never used one of these fancy Automated Teller Machines (ATM) that seem to be so popular among “people.” Confusingly, he did say he knew about “the holograms,” which is probably a reference to baseball cards or maybe that one time CNN turned into Star Wars.
Man, the old and the rich, they can’t do anything for themselves. I understand if you’ve never used, say, a Twitter or the Pandora. But an ATM? You’ve never run out of money at a strip club and been like, “okay, I can spend $80 more but then that is it!” It never ends at $80.
“I’ve never used an ATM, so I don’t know what the fees are,” Nelson said, adding that he gets his cash from bank tellers, just not automatic ones. “It’s true, I don’t know how to use one.” “But I could learn how to do it just like I’ve…I swipe to get my own gas, buy groceries. I know about the holograms.”
Hahahahaha, “I know about the holograms.” Good! Then you’re ready to continue your journey, young Jedi.
By “holograms,” Nelson clarified that he meant the bar codes on products read by automatic scanners in the checkout lanes at stores such as Lowe’s and Menard’s. “I go and get my own seating assignment on an airplane,” Nelson said. “I mean, I’m not without some skills. I just haven’t had the need to use an ATM.”
Nelson went on to say, “Also, everyone is always trying to send me a facsimile of a paper they have. What is the deal with these facsimile machines? Have you ever even seen one? Where does the paper come from? And that’s another thing: What is paper? I’m told paper is trees, but that seems like quite a stretch.
“You know what I like, is pudding, from the cash-only General Store. Yep, good ol’ frontier dollars for me, thank you very much. And just to get ahead of the story on this next one, yes, I have ridden in a horseless carriage, but I’ve never been conscious in one, so don’t ask me about the price of “brown car juice.” Every morning my ward feeds me deviled eggs until I fall back into a peaceful slumber, at which point I’m placed into my sterile bubble which is then stuffed into the back of a moving van. I wake up on the Senate floor, and vote on behalf of my constituents, who are not robots, like ATMs.”
Maybe Ben Nelson opposed the Public Option during the health care debate because he always carries around so many $100 bills that he has never been without cash in his life. Or maybe he’s feigning ignorance because he’s been bought by the banking lobby, a group who behaves like psychotic children in possession of an economic Doomsday device. Either way, I’m going to start referring to ATMs as “Ben Nelsons,” as in, “I have no need to go to the Ben Nelson because I have no money left after my medical bankruptcy proceeding.” It’s catchy, right?