You know how sometimes you read a headline and you’re like, “I wonder what third-world country THIS INSANITY is happening in?” Usually the answer is Utah. The country of Utah, on the continent of Thatshit’scrazy.
I vaguely remember hearing about a state that was going to kill a man by firing squad, but at the time I was like, well, that’s clearly NOT going to happen, for reasons that seem too obvious to require explanation. TURNS OUT I’M A NAIVE DOPE, FOLKS. From the AP:
A Utah man set to die by firing squad next week makes his final appeal for clemency Friday, with his attorneys asking the state pardons and parole board to change his sentence to life in prison.
Ronnie Lee Gardner’s two-day commutation hearing comes to an end a week before he is set to die for fatally shooting an attorney during a botched escape attempt at a Salt Lake City courthouse in 1985.
This guy Ronnie Lee Gardner killed an attorney while trying to flee a courthouse. Why was he at the courthouse? On charges that he killed a bartender. The guy says he’s reformed and wants to open an organic garden for at risk youth. Let him farm a few hours a day, then put him back in jail, I think.
Now, I’m against all forms of Capital Punishment because I’m not a barbaric sociopath, but even if you’re in favor of Capital Punishment, certainly death by firing squad must strike you as cruel and unusual.
And why is Ronnie to be killed by a firing squad? Because he asked for it, because he’s probably out of his fucking mind.
Utah law allowed him to chose a firing squad rather than lethal injection because he was sentenced before 2004, when lethal injection became the state’s default execution method.
HMMMMMMM, how do I want to die? Firing squad, please. Oh me? Yes, I’m completely out of my goddamn mind, why do you ask?
And to any Tough Conservatives who would argue, “he just asked for the firing squad so pansy liberal bloggers like you would be outraged and he could get his sentence commuted,” well, fine. Then this man is a criminal mastermind and we should keep him alive to hunt down other criminals. Also, that would be one hell of a bluff, especially in Utah.